How To Get Over Goal Bashers

The Short Story:

1) Nobody in the history of ever has lived the unique combination of situations and experiences that your life is, so nobody can truly understand what you’re feeling or what you need right now.

2) Don’t try to explain with logic. People criticise because your actions trigger something inside them. In the case of fitness, it is usually because your actions and achievements highlight their own lack. Either lack of fitness or a good body on their part or their lack of effort. This is all based in fear. Trying to overcome fear with rational thought is like trying to convince a scared dog not to bite by educating it on the danger of rabies.

3) F**k them. If somebody can’t understand your goals, they can at least make a choice to accept them because you’ve said they inspire your life and encourage better behaviours. If they can’t do that, the problem is theirs not yours and you need to distance yourself from the bullshit.

The Long Story:

Isn’t it funny how everyone seems to know exactly how you should live your life despite the fact that their own seems to be one giant shitshow in which they are stressed, fat, tired and angry?

I have a rule that unless someone is happier, healthier or wealthier than me, there probably isn’t much I’m going to learn from their criticism.

See happy people, confident in what they’re doing and how they’re living don’t criticise downwards.

You don’t see LeBron James criticising rookie basketball players for making errors.

You don’t see Jeff Bezos going on Facebook to criticise Dave who just started his new online shop from his Mum’s basement.

You don’t see a fitness model who has worked hard for her results criticising and questioning the girl who just started at the gym last week and needs some help.

This is the funny thing about successful people. You will nearly always find that if they got their success through hard work they are the LAST ones to criticise because they know what it takes, yet we often fear them mocking us. In fact, they are more likely to be the ones to give you ten minutes to help you past a sticking point – it’s called gratitude. A doing word. Passing it forward.

The people who criticise, question or straight up tell you that you shouldn’t do something are usually the ones with lives rooted in their own fears and your actions are irritating those fears even more.

Nobody in good shape will ever knock you for taking your shirt off in the sun or demand that you “don’t lose too much weight”.

No regular gym-goer will tell you that you should sack it off “just today” to get smashed at the pub.

The unfortunate reality is that it’s much harder to climb up a tree and sit on the branch than it is to pull someone out of the same tree.

Even more unfortunate is that often these people don’t mean it. They don’t realise what they’re doing. Like most habits, their negativity is rooted deep inside in their sub-conscious, ready to pop up whenever something highlights what they feel is lacking in their own life.

They think that if you lose 10kg and get a hot body, it’s going to make them look fatter (or lazy for not doing the same). If you both stay as you are, they can get away with it.

Another angle to this is that your actions in a new area inevitably reduce your availability for other things so some people will get pissed that you’re not doing what you always did with them.

This is where honesty is required. They want their life to stay the same. That you cry in the mirror at home on your own because you feel fat makes no sense to them because they love you as you are. But they don’t have to live the emotions surrounding it that you do.

Talk to them. Explain to them that you don’t feel good a lot of the time and want to build your self-confidence back. Explain that you understand why they might not get why but that you need their support and acceptance so you can be happier, more energised and ultimately have more to give to others, including them.

It’s not always an easy conversation and honestly, the ending isn’t always a good one. In that moment, you may realise that your journey with this person is done because either they have to get on the train and come with you or you need to jump off it. This means permanently accepting the mediocrity or personal pain that has been dragging you down for a long time.

The first course of action should be to invite them to join you. If they don’t want to, ask them to just support you and help you to succeed. If they can’t do that, you have some big questions about why they’re in your life.

Part of this can only be summed up as growing a pair, doing some adulting and realising sometimes you only have one shot at changing your life for a happier alternative. Anyone who tries to deny you this for whatever reason, doesn’t belong around you.

Cold, hard facts but ones you need to process if you don’t want a life of regret…

More on this in The Secrets of Showing Up (Shipping worldwide)